Some people get this right from the start! However, it has taken me many years to even think to ask the question about what makes an intimate relationship work. Although I expected to maintain the longevity of a healthy, loving relationship, I put little thought into what that might involve. However, Dr John Gottman, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington, began looking at this in 1986. Basically, he discovered that when the qualities of affection, kindness, generosity, humour, appreciation, and respect exist in a relationship they allow people to overcome most conflicts and prevent feelings of loneliness and isolation. Likewise, Gottman’s research revealed that when contempt, criticism, hostility, defensiveness, and stonewalling exist between two people, we can be sure that such a relationship won’t last.
For me, one of the most important factors I value and hence find essential in a relationship is integrity. Integrity is an interesting word and, like many words, has different meanings for different people. Integrity can hold affection, kindness, generosity, humour, appreciation, and respect.
WHAT IS INTEGRITY?
For me, integrity is a concept whereby there is a workable degree of consistency. This includes the consistency of actions, beliefs, values, principles, and expectations. In terms of a relationship, it is these factors that help to create the possibility of two people establishing a successful partnership.
From another perspective, looking through the eyes of ethics, integrity is regarded as the honesty and truthfulness or accuracy of one’s actions. In applying such internal consistency to our thinking and actions we create a virtue that is highly regarded because it gives us a measure against which we can determine honesty and consistency of character. We can have integrity to the extent that we act according to those values, beliefs, and principles we claim to hold. Our values, beliefs, and principles evolve over time, so naturally we will adapt and integrate our thinking and behaviour to maintain consistency with these values, beliefs, and principles. We can interact and uphold our integrity when we can resolve inconsistencies such that we are able to account for our discrepancies and incongruities.
THE IMPORTANCE OF AUTHENTICITY
For me integrity is paired with authenticity. An authentic person is one who is being real. One who is being genuine and legitimate. It means that I can be credible reliable and trustworthy but at the same time, remain true to my own personality, spirit or character. In other words, I am being faithful to myself and in being authentic I can still behave in a kind and loving way without being false and untrustworthy.
Needless to say, I highly value integrity and authenticity in my partner and friends because for me, healthy, loving relationships cannot be sustained without integrity and authenticity.
